life is a roller coster
and i have went over a very steep hill this past month! oy, where to begin...

early january, my aunt carole and myself discovered how bad mom's depression has gotten this past year.
i should back up...when i was about 9, my mother was diagnosed as bi-polar with a "chemical imbalance in the brain," as she calls it. taking lithium helped her for a long-time, but i'd say about...junior year of high school? or maybe early college...anyway, she had a reaction to the lithium and can no longer take it.
mom's a fighter, a survivor. she tries to shake the deep funks her illness puts her in, she battles the panic attacks like someone riding a horse (if you fall off, you get right back on,) and she is very good at hiding how bad her syptoms are-i myself am just learning how bad it is even though i've known she had this illness for years.

well, this is one of the worst depressive spells she's ever had. i don't think any of the anti-depressants she's been perscribed have worked well.
she's in trouble finiancially since her insurance wouldn't pay for some things and then she forgot to pay her insurance and now had been dropped. and her anti-depressants alone are about $300 or so...

mom has not had energy for anything, i mean anything. she forces herself to go to work and eat. she says even chocolate doesn't taste that good anymore. 8^(
she has been so tired that the house is a literal diaster. she just hasn't had energy to clean.
i hate saying this because this is my mother and i love her, but it would only be slightly more sanitary and healthier if she just pitched a tent in the middle of the county dump and lived there. yes, it's that bad.

i feel...ashamed. not only of the filth my mother is living in, but because it went on for so long and i didn't notice.
i didn't notice, until now. i'm horrible. i hate to admit it but i should have noticed this eariler. the the best i can do now is help her anyway i can. i'm still working part-time at graphix so i'm on a limited income. i can do small things and i've been going over to her house to clean. i hope to go over tomorrow and get some more done. there are still many, many days work left. it'll go smoother once i teach her 2 cats that the floor is not a litterbox! grrr. ken thinks sprinkling the area with cayenne pepper after i clean it will help. he said it worked when they were house-training one of their dogs who was very stubborn. well, we'll find out.

i know some of you (don't know exactly how many would read this or care, but...) may think that mom is lazy. no, she's not. she says the way she feels right now is very stupid, like the depression is a fog in her mind and it takes more effort than normal to do the simpliest things correctly. and when you don't have the energy to do much, that makes it hard to clean.
the lithium she took over the years has destroyed her thyroid gland. she has to take a snythetic via pills to get what her body needs and since she's lost her insurance, she hasn't had any medicine.
i think part of her exhaustion stems from:
  • the depression itself. let's face it, depressed people sleep a lot.
  • her lack of thyroid medication
  • she's simply tired after pushing herself to go to work and all her other co-workers are my age. and she struggles to keep up with them.
she did try to go back on to disability, but her claim was denied. she needs to appeal that decision and mom's friend Ruth Ann is helping. she's been a big help to me and my aunt. i can't thank her enough.

ken has been most understanding. i don't know what i'd do without him.
this is the most responsibilty i've ever had to undertake and it's not easy. he's been patient and caring, being a ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on when needed. i'm lucky to have him.

so that's most of what i've been dealing with this past month.
if anyone who reads this is a religious person, a prayer for my mother and her health would be appreciated. for my friends who already have us in their prayers, i thank you.


today, it snowed. it's the first time this winter that it actually felt like winter.
mom is crashing at my place tonight. she doesn't have to work tonight but does tomorrow and should the weather take a turn for the worst (thought i doubt it will,) she will be able to get a ride into work.

the work at graphix continues ok. cindy's been hinting that she could use me full-time. 8^) here's hopin' it's soon.
ken has been working on animating with flash a bit. maybe he can bring In Shining Armor back to life that way. the story for it has progressed a bit in his mind and i like how it's developing.
Blue Canary progresses very slowly, now that i'm helping with mom. i'm in the middle of pencils for page 15 of chapter 1 of the restart. maybe i can get some drawing time in tonight.