the gigcast has created a tribute to ken.

i want to thank everyone once again for their thoughts, prayers and kind words. you guys, my friends, and family are what's pulling me through this.

i miss that goofball of mine.

c, thank you and doug for coming to hospital with me. when the doctor told us the news, i would've fallen on the floor if it hadn't been for you.

alice, thank you for being there and for you idea to use one of ken's drawings as a subject for one of your art quilts. i know it will be beautiful.

jo, thank you for being an ear and for driving so far to come. the same to you, becca. i think you closest of all know what i'm going through, since you lost a friend back in high school.

glych, thank you for that phone call. it meant alot.

to tim, madscott, trantor and everyone at nightgig, thanks for the flowers and your thoughts.

to brad and all of ken's friends from DMI, thank you for the long drive to be here. it mean so much.

to bill, joy, danny, keith and chris, i am so glad you guys came. i'll keep in touch.

i still miss that goofball.

just yesterday, i received flowers from my landlord. they were so pretty. a little while after, i thought, "wait 'til i tell ke-..."
and then i realized that i couldn't.
that's what's been the hardest. losing my confidant, my best friend, the shoulder i normally cry on and warmest and most loving person i've known. and then realizing it all over again when something like that happens. *sigh*

i checked on ken's folks last night. we are all doing as well as expected. i went back to work on thursday because i knew i'd go crazy if i didn't.

ken's sister, krista, had a good idea to create a scrapbook about ken. i think i'll make one, too. i'll be emailing his friends for amusing stories, ancedotes and general thoughts that i can put into it. anyone here who knew him is welcome to contribute.

thanks again.


i'm numb...at least when i'm not sobbing or raging at the way of things.
last night, ken, my best friend and lover suffered a stroke. there was massive hemmoraging.
the doctors have pronounced him brain dead.
i feel sick. i always told him that i didn't know what i'd do without him-now he's gone.
God, i miss him already. he's only 32. why!!???!?


what a way to spend a saturday night!
last night, i'm at ken's parent's house...say it's about 8:40 p.m. i get a call from mom.
"i've fallen and hurt my ankle. i think i broke it this time. i need you to come get me and take me to emergency."
the previous time was about 30 years ago, she slipped on wet pavement in the rain and really messed up her left ankle. the doc said it would've been better if she had broken it, but she didn't.

well, i know mom's tolerance for pain is high, so if she's calling, she's hurting bad. ken offers to come along and thank goodness he did! we took his folk's minivan and headed for weiner.

once there, we try to figure out how to get mom to the van. she's not good with crutches yet, so her idea was to set her in her office chair by her computer and roll her out to the door.
this was complicated by all the crap in the floor. 9.9
so we get her there, ken carries her down the two steps to the sidewalk. this is one of the reason why i'm glad he came. he has to help whenever his back messes up his bad leg, so ken's used to some of these.
i go move her car so ken can get the van closer to the sidewalk. as i'm walking back around the house, i can see her climb into the passenger seat. i get in the back and we're off.
mom says she not in that much pain, but she felt the foot give whenever she tried to put weight on it. not a good sign.
"which ankle did you hurt?" ken asks
"my good one," is the reply. her right one. uh-oh.
"how did you hurt it?" i inquire.
"i slipped and fell."
"in the kitchen."

the kitchen was the room i wanted to clean up first when i saw what mom's living conditions were back in january. i knew something like this would happen! i warned her it was a hazard. 9.9 if only i had been pushier, we could've had that room cleaned up, or at least clean enough not to trip and fall on the soda cans, papers, trash bags, and assorted junk on the floor.
>8^( *rant over*

about 30-35 minutes later, say...10:30 p.m. or so, we are in emergency waiting to be called back. mom gets an x-ray of her ankle and we wait for a room in the ER to become available. it's saturday night and the place is packed and therefore, slow. her ankle starts to bother her and they can't give her any pain meds until she's in a room.

i say about...30 minutes maybe, we we're in a room. ken stayed in the waiting room while i went back with mom. eventually the doc comes and says it's broken alright. in two places. surgery will be needed. oh, boy. as if mom doesn't have enough expensive medical bills-she has no insurance.
he orders another x-ray, this time of her knee in case it got torqued in the fall and a chest x-ray.
samples of blood are taken and mom finally gets some pain meds. it helps.
the poor guy next to us sounds as if he's in a lot of pain and is puking loudly every five minutes.

i go back and forth from her room to ken to keep him informed. there is no chair in that room, i'm standing the entire time and i'm getting tired.
while i'm visiting with ken the chest x-rays are taken. i get some water and some ding dongs (healthy eating, huh? at least the chocolate and sugar help me pull through.) back to wait with mom.

my legs get tired and i'm sitting on the metal under one of those bed tables, you know, the ones that can allow a patient to eat in bed? a nurse must have seen me as she walked by because she brought me a chair. 8^) that was nice and very thoughful.

around 3 a.m., we get news that the knee is ok, mom's ankle will be splinted and she'll be sent home. we are given the name and number for a bone doctor to set up an appointment for the surgery. i'll have to call that tomorrow since they'll be closed today. by the time we got out and got mom back to my place it was 4 a. m.!
ken went back home and i'm so glad he came and helped. i don't think i could've handled it alone tonight and i don't know if my brother, carter, would have been much help right then. maybe he can help in the next coming days.
i gave mom my bed, put a pillow under her foot to elevate it and put some makeshift ice packs on the ankle to reduce swelling.
i made a pallet on the floor out of a sleeping bad and blankets and proceeded to pass out until 10:45 this morning.

well, this is going to be a lesson for me in strength and patience. mom is usually the strong one and since january i've had to be the stronger person. we'll see how well i learn. God give me strength, cause i don't know if i can do this alone.