about to burst
i never know why i can't cry until the dam just breaks.
things aren't all bad...i had a good time at wizard world chicago (more on that later,) but this mess with my parents and my older brother, carter, is just not helping me at all.
it make me just as upset as a couple of years ago, when mom and dad, after 18 or so years of divorce, finally start acting like a newly divorced couple and fight over that old house in Weiner.
and they are still sore at each other because of that... 9.9

carter got a job where i work on the night crew.
one of his fellow employees chaving creams his truck. several nights later that same employee makes a prank call on carter at work. if there are other incidents, i do not know of them.
carter's never been the thick skinned type. he takes stuff like this personally. i know what that's like. i still have trouble with some people figuring out whether they are serious or kidding. people always seem to think that i'm so serious, and that when i do play around, they don't realize i'm joking.
carter has it worse, part of him still has growing up to do.
oh, he has me beat at being responsible, saving money, paying bills on time and not getting a checking account overdrawn,
but where are friends? i don't think he has any, which is sad.
i don't think he makes friends easily or well. always telling jokes so he will be liked.
it is like he is trying to hard to make friends, which we all know if what drives most of them away.

this morning, carter came in and turn in his i.d. badge.
he officially is out of work once more.
he could do so well in a white collar job, but thinks he can't do the school work. that's bull, i say. he's smart enough, regardless of where he went to school or the gaps that mioght be in his education. i mean, look at me. i went to the same school, graduated and went to college. i have a B.F.A. now. and i'm lousy at math (mind, most art majors don't require much math, but still...) i took remedial courses to catch up. i took intermediate algebra at least 3 times before i passed it.
if i can do it, so can he.
but he never thinks he can...

another thing is that he doesn't really know what he wants to do, at least, that's what i always get from him.
you ask, what do you really want to do in life and you'll get an "i don't know," and a shrug.
i don't want my brother to go through life like this and discover at 70 want he wants to do only to find that he is now too old to persue it.

i don't think dad is helping the situation much, but what can anyone do?
i think he keeps carter form developing in a worldly sense. i don't think it's intentional, though.
i'm afraid for my brother. i know something isn't quite right with him. he's not nuts, far from it, but he doesn't quite fit in...
and his taking things way too serious, i'm afraid one day he will snap.
what sill he do?
dunno.
maybe just rant and rave.
maybe he'll hit someone.
maybe something worse.
or maybe he'll do nothing at all.

my brother needs to develop a thick skin and go see the world.
just telling someone to "get a life," is one thing, but doing it is quite another.
i'm worried...very worried.
i can tell him what i think, but whether he'll take my advice and do it, is quite another. i can't force him to do anything, and i wouldn't want to.

he saw that fedex was hiring part-time.
all i hope is that things stablize out, that he will get a good job.

at least typing it out here makes me feel marginally better. but only just.